H2G2, outlining my version of a seventh volume
by Jochen Lembke
Summary: These are just some outlines for my version of a seventh volume I will write, as to clearly demonstrate my will to be authorised for all my versions!
1. Chapter 1

After over a year living in a place where all English go eventually, when they quit living on benefits and made it rich, called Switzerland, I have finally gotten accepted here, I had spent my first fondue being invited to by the natives!

So, because I was trying so hard to blend in here I never had any time for my hitch-hiker seventh volume, which I confirm, again, I will write some day, according to what in my part of the world most people would say, why stop when I´m hating writing sequels to popular books of even more popular authors!

Anyway, back then, when I was writing the end of volume six, (of which I sold even less than Gordon Brown did of his ouevre "more things I have to say about policy") Arthur was, in the act of destroying the old universe, actually scetching out visions of a new one already and I thought, wow, hey, hey, wow, this is just it, isn´t it, and there you go, Arth-urPhil-lipDen-t, who is frigging none less than the character of DA himself, had already laid out the outlines for me! The outlines for the plot of the seventh volume I will write, about the new universe the destroyer of the former old one is now living in! (Also to be revealed at this point, there will be a lot about worshiping!)

But that´s about it for now!

"_At the beginning, there was chaos._

_The gears of cosmos were square and rasped awfully, until they were as much grinded off they were running smoothly. They produced a new cosmos._

_But it was awful._

_Yes, sickening it was, all religions cursed God, the bodies didn't fit, the beings performed unpleasant sexual practises, which were so unappetising even a forceps-delivery would appear more aesthetic. Protein biosynthesis wasn't working quite right, genetic code was wrong, time wasn't running into one direction reliably, gravitation had a loose contact, was on at one time and of at another, the three dimensions weren't just bended, but were bending around the corner, light wasn't always reflected in the correct angle. _Action_ did not equal _reaction_, but was some sort of mishmash nobody could really rely on, absolute zero-point of temperature did not started before boiling point, yet the molecules were so inert, they didn't want to oscillate at all._

_All beings went through tremendously complicated life-cycles, of which even the respective forms just don´t have a clue of any more (and lost interest in it soon enough anyway.)_

_Life just didn´t become extinct for the sole reason even predators somehow lost their appetite, rather trained their skills in brooding, abstinence and Zen-Buddhismen, rather than go for hunting._

_There were beings spending part of their life-span as a plant, reproducing themselves afterwards by spores, that float out into the sea, where they, over a period of five-hundred years up to a million, grew from a single-cell to a sea-monster, that sporadically bobs up to take a snap at dinosaurs strollng up and down the sea-front, day-dreaming about a career in the movie business._

_Then they went to shore to lay a single egg. To breed that egg, they needed another symbiotic life-form yet, which could do so, mind you, only after a twenty-year lasting haul to the poles of the planet, in between they yet also needed to undergo a metamorphose to mammal, had a mating-procedure for which about thirty-six (oscillating, according to seasons though) sexes, if only one had been missing, mating did not take place at all._

_All the time someone was on the look for breading-places, that long had ceased to exist yet due to continental shift, so the entire colony sank into the sea or into a stream of lava or a bog or what have you. _

_When summer was dry about one percent of the offspring survived as dry spore followed by all means yet by a stage as a grub of a blood-sucking endothermal parasite. When winter was dry they then all aggregated as a hyper-intelligent mega-organism, that instantly began to cover the whole planet with ready-for-use pressure-die casting plastic-thingy industrial facilities – all of them bound to rot again, yet, after the organisms´loss of intelligence, namely, which then lives henceforth as a parasite-worm in the guts of a certain same rare as gay bird-of-paradise-species._

_Really, it was just awful, indeed._

_Whenever just any organism on the planet developed lasting intelligence expanding the stage of __the ready-for-use pressure-die casting plastic-thingy industrial facilities, rapidly and hectically, first-thing-in-the-morning-wise, atomic bombs were built, to exterminate all life on the planet._

_Not out of a destructive rage, but for the sheer love of god and plain and solid sense of responsibility and care and respect for creation._

_Very, very regrettably, life developed right after the dying out of hard radiation once again yet – and when this happened, it was even more bizarre than before. _

_Yet there was one being, a being called Arth-urPhil-lipDen-t, which wasn't much from the outside, but in the inside it was quite mighty and meaningful. _

_It just came along casually and found the answer anybody was looking for, all the time and all of a sudden the nightmare was over and everybody lived happily ever after. "_

Arthur stopped writing, put pad and pencil aside, and enjoyed the sun on a friendly summer afternoon. It shun on the house and managed to make it appear adorable, in all of its insufficiency.

_I should become a writer, he thought. Anybody can do that and don't they earn tons of money?_


	2. Chapter 2

A note for everybody

I have not been authorised with my sixth version nor will I in the near future, but this is what I´m doing about it, you don´t want my sixth volume, Mr. Victor and Penguin books and still favour an author of children´s books, well, here´s my seventh, rubbed in your arrogant faces!

I have uploaded the first edited six chapters of my sixth volume here, yet will not do this with my hole book, I will hold back the rest of all the 42 chapters until the day I am allowed to sell it, may this day never come or not. But what I will do is working on a slightly changed parody-version of it, which I can sell legally and will announce here as soon as this is available.

Jochen Lembke, Europes cab-driving writer


End file.
